As we look at the different parts of ourselves, we often develop a bit of a love/hate relationship with them.
We may love them when they protect us well, and feel much less fond of them when they are running the show more than we would like. Sometimes we appreciate a part in ourselves, but find it harder to tolerate that same part in someone else. And some parts just seem to feel a little more “acceptable” than others.
Some parts feel easier to embrace, both in ourselves and in the people around us.
So I’ve been thinking about the parts that often get a bad rap. Control is one of them. We can often think of it as rigid, intense, or difficult. But when we look a little closer, control is often much more tender than that.
Control is usually a protective part of ourselves. It is the part that says, “If I can keep everything organized, predictable, clean, planned, managed, or watched carefully enough, maybe I won’t get hurt.”
For some people, control looks like a full calendar and a detailed plan. For others, it looks like needing the house, work, finances, schedule, or people around them to be handled in a certain way. It can look like checking, rechecking, planning every detail, scanning for what could go wrong, needing answers right away, struggling to relax, or feeling irritated when things do not go according to plan.
On the surface, it may look like anxiety, perfectionism, irritability, over-functioning, or obsessiveness. Underneath, it may be trying to protect us from something much more vulnerable: rejection, shame, disappointment, criticism, loneliness, failure, or feeling like we are not enough.
For Example…
Imagine someone who is planning a trip with their family or friends.
They book the flights, research the hotel, make the dinner reservations, check the weather, compare routes, organize the timing, and think through every possible thing that could go wrong.
At first, this can be helpful. Someone needs to make decisions. Someone needs to organize the details. But then the planning starts to feel less like excitement and more like pressure.
They become tense when others are casual about the details. They feel irritated when someone says, “Let’s just figure it out when we get there.” They may struggle to enjoy the trip because part of them is constantly scanning for the next problem to solve.
From the outside, it may look like they are being controlling. But inside, a protective part of them may be working very hard.
That part might be saying: “If I plan everything, nothing bad will happen.” “If I stay ahead of things, no one will be disappointed.” “If I am prepared, I won’t feel embarrassed or blamed.”
This is where we can begin to see how hard control often works to keep us safe. When we see this, it can bring a bit more softness and compassion to this part of us.
Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?, we can begin asking, “What is this part of me afraid would happen if it stopped working so hard?” That question changes the tone of the conversation we are having with ourselves.
Many of these parts of ourselves developed because, at some point, being prepared, impressive, helpful, clean, careful, productive, or emotionally controlled helped us feel safer.
They often learned: “If I stay ahead of everything, I can prevent pain.”
The Reframe
It is so important to remember that the goal is not to get rid of the controlling part of us. We need it! It has often helped us survive, succeed, care for others, make things happen, and keep life moving.
The goal is to help it trust that they do not have to run the whole show. A controlling part can be very helpful when it is in balance. It can help us plan, organize, prepare, follow through, and create stability. But when that part is leading from fear, it can leave us feeling tense, disconnected, exhausted, and unable to be present.
The reframe is this: Control is not the enemy. Control is often protection.
The next time you notice a controlling part of yourself showing up, try pausing and asking:What is this part of me trying to prevent? What is it afraid might happen if it lets go a little?
Sometimes, even a small internal acknowledgment can create space:
“I see how hard you’re working.” “I understand that you’re trying to protect me.”
We don’t have to make this part disappear. Often, simply acknowledging it and sitting with it is enough to begin changing our relationship with it. This is how we begin to build a different relationship with ourselves. We are not pushing the protective part away. We are learning to listen to it without letting it take over.
Heidi Kubin
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